Half A Life

I didn't set any official resolutions, well aside from the typical "stop eating like crap, go to the gym, care about your health" junk, however I have set a personal goal to spend more time with my friends. I miss them. A lot. We've all gotten busy in our own worlds and well, life keeps ramblin' on.

So I'm setting up plans, accepting more invites, and even though I pretty much already never have a free momement between work and my family - I'm going to start having more of a social life! Because dammit, I'm not getting any younger. Although, left to my own accord I am capable of getting plumper. Which may have something to do with the fact that when I'm home I really enjoy baking with my boys, but whatever.

And maybe a piece of this need to spend more time with my friends is part of my quest to not act like an old person. I am not worried about my age, most of my friends are around the same or just a bit younger, but it's more about not missing out on life. And about not putting labels on something as not for me just because teenagers like it, or because my mom likes it.

I think this goal comes down to I just want to live. And live well.

So if you've heard me suggest we take that Oil Painting class, prepare for me to hit you up with a date it starts. Or if I am always saying we should do lunch, prepare for my text with a date suggesting a time and a place to meet up.

Because I'm sick of watching life from the nosebleed seats.





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We All Shine On...

Sometimes when you think a problem will just work itself out, it does. And then sometimes, it just gets a whole lot worse instead. This is one of those things that just got worse.

My little sister is a zombie in a body
with no soul a role she has learned to play
In a world today where nothing else matters
But it matters


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I was once totally "Me vs Maradona vs Elvis"-ed...

Sometimes in life, or you realize it later in life, that there are just some songs that are so scarily fitting to what you're going through. Well, you realize these things if you're me at least.

I am the girl who always (when you share your love or life story) knows a song that fits it that "you just gotta listen to". I am the person that is suddenly caught off guard by music. I'm the one given the chills when driving my car, suddenly moved to tears by a song I've listened to a thousand times without that reaction. I am a songwriter's dream come true. I'm also a sucker, and a lame, and all of the things you'd call someone who takes music WAAAAAAAAAAAY too seriously.

Anyway, I'm thinking about music tonight while waiting for the punk ass children to fall asleep so that Santa can make a visit. And was struck with the fact that a Brand New song completely fits this one random November night years ago I spent with people I'm not even friends with anymore.

And tonight, this is the song I think I will learn how to play.


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Link it to yourself, link it to the world.

I am a brown girl. Well, at least at face value.

"So, what ethnicity are you?" This is something that I am often asked. Now, in the hayday of ol' Kim Kardashian, I've also been asked a few times lately if I am Armenian. No, I'm not.

At a very basic level, my mother is of Mexican decent, although she may tell you some Egyptian story - I don't know about that that, and my father is white, the basic European mixture.

"So, what are you?" Answering that question is difficult for me.

My mother, she's pretty and a lovely brown. That being the case her genes were pretty dominate and my siblings and I are more on the hispanic looking side. However, when I reply to someone that I am of Hispanic ethnicity, I don't feel that answer alone suffices. I am also half white. If I don't mention it then I feel that I am denying my daddy. But because I don't really look all that white does it seem to people that I am trying to claim to be something that I am not? If I were to answer that I am white everyone would look at me like I'm nutso. And obviously, that's the wrong answer too.

Most of the times I just feel like, well me. I don't think a lot about ethnicity. I am a woman, a mother, a friend, a boss, a person. And that is about as far as it goes most days. Then someone randomly refers to me as a senorita. And I remeber, oh yeah, I'm brown.

As I've matured and grown over time I've learned to appreciate the qualities and benefits to being of multiple decent. And it really doesn't matter all that much to me what people think. But when asked that question I have to acknowledge both of the sides of me, not to provide clarity, but to claim that I belong to both of the people I am lucky enough to call my parents.

So I'll blame it on bad luck and I'll shake responsibility.

Short story of a teenage mommy who didn't die or turn into a worthless loser. Well, depends on the definition you use for loser.



Guess what I didn't get for my 18th birthday? A visit from Aunt Flo. Yep, uh to the oh.

It was my senior year of high school. I had a full time job. Not to mention that I am the oldest of 5 children so I was also an indentured servant at the homestead. Life was busy enough, so of course I just had to change it up. Joey and I had been dating all of 3 long months and well, shit happens.

I spent the first few months of said situation in denial. I only told my sister, that's it. Of course when the denial started to wane I finally broke down and told my best friend(s). During this time I was working as a CNA at an Assisted Living facility along side my mother. Who, as noted above, was not yet privy to the knowledge of her oldest daughter being with child. I wasn't scared of her, but more so unable to bear the thought of my daddy being disappointed in my whore self. So day in and day out I lifted and cared for heavy ass old people rather than confess to my co-workers and reveal my secret. Each morning before I walked in the door I'd be outside puking in the bushes, courtesy of my friend morning sickness. Then I'd stroll in with a faux smile and get to work for the day.There had already been one instance where my mom had said to me "I don't think you should wear those jeans anymore, they make you look pregnant." Crap. So I just kept up the facade to avoid dealing with reality.

One day my sister decided enough was enough and told my mom when I was about 5 months into the mess. This in no way had anything to do with the fact that she herself (who is 3 years & 9 months younger than me) was also pregnant. Not like she wanted to drop any bombs on my mom herself or anything. Nooo.

Upon hearing the unsettling news my mother told me that she was "so happy" (Did I mention yet that my mother was all of 36 years old at this time? Wacko!) and took me to lunch. I ate lasagna and drank lemonade. And then we went shopping for baby stuff. When she finally told my daddy for me his only response was "shit." and he was nothing but the most sweetest dad a girl could ask for. My harlot self had been forgiven. Probably because, well, they knew what would be ahead for me and no sense in punishing me since I'd unwittingly done so myself.

Well Christmas morning I woke up with these awful pains that kept showing up every 5-minutes. I was still unsure if this crap was labor or not, but I rationalized with myself that even if it wasn't labor something was really wrong with my knocked up teenage ass and I had better get to the hospital.

5-hours later and during a Utah Jazz game on the hospital TV I became the owner of a baby boy child creature. I was so drugged up and out of it. Merriest Christmas of them all.

Anyways, 4 years after that Joey and I decided to go ahead and get married. So we went to Vegas with all the fam and friends. Then within a year we bought our own home and decided that we should have a companion for Sookie Pookie to mess with. So second boy child creature showed up. It is a lot different when you do it on purpose. You actually give yourself a lot harder of a time when you're puking your guts out. "Who wanted a new baby? Oh wait, it was you, you dumbass!"

Anyway, long story short, both of the animals will be completely out of high school by the time I hit 40. I'll still be young-ish enough to enjoy life and by then I might even like these kids a little bit. ;) Who knows?

It's good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Swell, isn't it?

Envy. It's a feeling that a lot of us aren't unfamiliar with. Someone always has a better house, a better relationship, has more fun with their friends, has more adventures, etc. These types of lists can go on and on and on. But guess what folks (I say this as if my blog is read by billions)? Those people, who you are envying, are busy envying the life of someone else. It's a vicious cycle of lucky bitch syndrome.

I would say over the last few years I have learned that you can like the life you're livin', or you can live the life you like. Shout out to Roxy Hart! Now, I am no guru of happiness to be spouting out advice. I've done a lot to damage my own love life. I've settled for far less than I deserved and tolerated things that most people would not have. I've sabotaged better things to avoid change. But I have learned from that. And I am trying everyday to make a better life for myself and my family.

I think where I am trying to go with this is that I sure wish I had known earlier that if I want more, I've got to make it happen. There is no fantastical life fairy that is going to pop in and solve all of our problems. If there was I would make that fairy make me perfectly fit and also have her clean out my closet. While she is at it she can help Nicholas learn how to tie his shoes 'cause we've been slackin on that one.


As is common knowledge I am obsessed with all things wordy and all things songy. So here are a few quotes that I feel go along with this tangent.

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had. ~ Erica Jong

Live young, die fast, no one will last. ~ Alkaline Trio

Think a little less, live a little more. ~ Broke City

So keep the blood in your head. And keep your feet on the ground. If today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop out. ~ Brand New

Don't waste your time, or time will waste you. ~ Muse

"Sadie G. she's crazy, see?"

What if ol' LiLo was your family member? Would you look at her in the same way?

A relative, who will remain nameless, of mine was rushed to the hospital on Sunday night. My mother was with her and noticed she was acting completely disoriented and out of her mind. So she took her to the ER. Turns out, like our suspicions, she is on drugs. No one in our family has ever had a drug problem. So obviously this is rocking our world.

This relative and her husband have been going through a really hard time lately. He hasn't worked in the last two years. She has been carrying the load on her own. He recently came out to the family and confessed he had a prescription drug problem. So of course everyone wanted to get him help.

These members of our family have been bleeding my parents dry lately with all of the money they have borrowed. Thousands of dollars. Telling us of their financial problems. Everyone felt so sorry and wanted to support. That being said we had our suspicions that the other half of the couple may have had her illnesses too. She completely whole-heartedly denied it.

However, things just progressively got worse. She was fired from her job of nearly ten years for taking money. Money she told us she had "borrowed" to make ends meet while dealing with a drug addicted husband who had pawned nearly everything that they owned.

Well as it turns out they both have a problem. And it's not just pain pills, it's sadly more than that. I hope that we can help them. They have a child who is caught up in the mix of all of this. Everyone is hurting. It's pretty shitty. My kids have been asking what is going on with them. I've just told the boys that they are sick and trying to get better.

My relationship with said relative has been strained due to her being a super bitch for the past two years. And now it makes sense. There are a lot of hurt feelings I have been carrying around it for a while. I hope that when she is better I can forgive her. Seeing her in that hospital bed, completely unconscious, of course had me in tears. At least finally the pieces fit.

It's time like these that I wish I had stronger faith. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

Oh those summer nights.

It's been a long day. It sit, in my king sized bed, in my house, in my small city on the outskirts of SLC UT. It's unusually quiet in my home right now even for the midnight hour. We don't sleep a lot around here and I see no problem with it. However, my very LDS neighbor once said to me "We sleep at night, you guys don't." but whatever. Yes we are different, so what?

I'm in an odd mood. Pondering life, love, and everything in between. I just finished up a huge project I was leading for work. I'm emotionally drained for the day. Probaly why these random heavy thoughts are pouring into the gutted pit left in my brain.

Recently there has been a lot of drama in my family life involving my sister. She has many things going on in her life that are difficult to deal with. And the result is that she has pretty much turned into a mean back-stabbing beotch, to put it most delicately. And it hurts me. I do love her still, but this last fiasco really dug deep. So, I have come up with a way to successfully avoid her at every future family event for the rest of my life. I know, I know, I am being SUPER MATURE. I am stellar at avoiding dealing with issues.

Right this second, I still lay here, in my bed. In Utah. It's a superb summer night. There are pieces of my life that are missing. However, I am not really in much of a hurry to go and find them. I will probably just brush my teeth and watch a so-so Sandra Bullock movie on TV and fall asleep.

It feels like I'm addicted to a really bad thing.

So, I am very much so NOT the super TV fan.

Good stuff just doesn't come around all that often. However, I have to admit I am hooked on Breaking Bad! And, I don't wanna go to rehab. If you haven't seen this show I say go rent/purchase the first two seasons on DVD (dont worry you will get through them way quicker than you think) and then catch up on Season 3 reruns which are supposed to start airing on 7/25.

Then we can talk about it, bitch. ;)

Just call me The Hoff

David Hasselhoff - American actor, faux lifeguard, singer, and businessman. A man of many hats. All of his creations of average effort/payoff in my opinion. Nothing spectacular, but someone who took a hand at just about everything.





Me - American girl, mommy, businesswoman, poet, guitar novice, runner, casual painter, writer, etc.




A lot of times I feel a lot like a Hasselhoff. There are so many things that I love doing. I am always torn in about 20 different directions.

I feel like I am heading down the path straight to the town of mediocracy. I worry that I will not ever learn to slow down and become really good at one thing. There are too many things to do, too many goals to accomplish. Just like The Hoff - I wanna do it all!

There are times that I feel really stupid and try to hide some of my hobbies:

I run, but I feel like running doesn't make me skinny enough. So I don't tell people that I run because they probably wonder why I still have curves. Forgetting to relish in the fact that I am strong enough to enjoy running Half Marathons.

I paint, but I am too lazy to spend more than two days on a painting. So whatever comes out in that timeframe is what it is. So I never feel it is much of the quality that I'd like to share. Undermining the fact that my mom and sister each have a few of my paintings in their homes and they get complimented often.

A great friend of mine is teaching me to play the guitar. Now, I know I have gotten a lot better, but when it comes time to play or sing in front of family/friends I usually pass at the chance. Even though right now I am in the midst of writing my own song that I kinda like.

Oh, and I have an overwhelming urge to design/make my own clothes. I currently am visualizing a dress, pants, and a skirt I want to make. I totally need to buy a serger!

So can someone please tell me how to learn to enjoy the ride?

You better watch your weight or your weight will watch you... 5/21/10

I am a fortunate to work for a company that cares about our well being enough to offer us a lot of programs to stay healthy along with all of the other benefits. Well we had the opportunity to sign up for Weight Watchers at Work.

Now I have been on the eternal mission to lose ten pounds pretty much for the whole of my adult life. I bitch about it. I whine. Well over the winter season and holidays I lamely packed on another 7 or so. NOT GOOD! So when work decided to do Weight Watchers I was on that bus whole heartedly.

In the first 5 weeks I have lost 8 pounds. Each week it varies from a 3 pound loss down to a 1 pound loss, but I've always lost. However, being a perfectionist the weeks I only lost the one pound I subsequently beat the crap out of myself emotionally for the rest of the day. I'm pretty much pissed. You think I'd just be glad that those horrible unwanted LBs are gone, but noooo....

Today was a one pound day. I was acting like Baby in Dirty Dancing when Johnny gets fired anyway even after she rats herself out for spending the night in his room. I DID IT ALL FOR NOTHING! No fast food, no delicious candy enjoyment, zilch. AND then to make it up to myself I ate a Milky Way bar. In complete vengeance against said diet that screwed me over. I also just realized that a Milky Way is basically a 3 Musketeers Bar with caramel on top. Yeah, yeah, most people probably know that already, but for some reason it was an epiphany for me. Tasty, but it actually made me sick to my stomach since I have been weaned off of junk and now it no longer agrees with me anymore. WTH?! That is lame and sucky!

Anyways, here in the aftermath the words of Jimmy Eat World hit me… (who I own all of one song of theirs)

It just takes some time.
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine.
Everything, everything will be alright.

* note, I didn't bother to look that up. My version works fine to prove my random non-important point.

Guess it's time to stop kickin my own ass over it and keep on truckin.

camouflage

It's a sad day when you notice that your new floor matches your dog perfectly.

Green with Envy - 4/13/10

Alternate Universe


Inspired
by your
purity
and
power

Not to
mention
you've got
the
softest
heart

I'd
kill
for just
one
day
in her
shoes

Life and
Laughter
mixed
with
lovin

But
in reality
I must
awake

and
eat
my envy
for breakfast.

Accidental Memories - March 23, 2010

So my BlackBerry has this annoying habit of inadvertently taking pictures by itself all of the time. Mostly because it has this side activated button that works even when it's locked. In the sake of pure random time killage I thought I'd blog some of those badboys and try to interpret them for society.

Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I


Exhibit A)

This is definitely a morning on-the-way-to-work picture. I love my job like my chihuahua loves food. I love that this shot captures the morning sun along with my swinging rear view mirror decoration. I hope that I didn't waste that morning with a negative mood.



















Exhibit B)

This would be my kitchen floor. Now looking at it I think back to the days in 2002 when we were building our house. I was sooo young in comparison to today. Both in a literal way and an emotional way. I picked this tile out at a store that was messy in my opinion. Funny how picking put flooring for your very first home can be THE most exciting thing on the planet at a certain moment.



















Exhibit C)

This would be the inside of MY car. I had no idea how much I've fallen in love with my little Honda Civic until somebody backed into me at the store. When it was gone for a week and I was driving a beastly massive rental car I just wanted this piece of my life back...ASAP!

















Exhibit D)

Meester Rocco puppy on my lap. I still have a broken heart for my first chi Tito, but my sweet new dog has worked his hardest to steal my heart. His kisses are the best medicine. He's very genuine, and I suppose ALL dogs are, but I think mine might just have a lil somethin special


















Exhibit E)

Shopping trip to Kohls to pick up a birthday present for my nephew Jayden. Nicholas was on high-brat frequency that day. Conned me into purchasing two overpriced transformers toys, and to go to Wendys for him on the way there EVEN though there would be food at the party. I'm way too soft hearted, but I love that kid so much. What's an bit of a compromise in my self worth to make him smile? NOTHING!


















Exhibit F)

Thing 1. I'd be a teen mom again in a heartbeat because I ended up this lucky. He is actually taller than me now. And, OK I realize that I am a shorty, but still...



















There are more photos and I could keep on keepin on, but I have to work in the morning and it's, oh around 1:30am.

The lesson I learned here tonight with this project is how much I like the life I'm living, and I'm living the life I like.

Counting the days..

This is soon to be my new baby. I'm just waiting for the order to come in. Time is a man with a blade in his hand.......